The good ol' performance trap...you know, the one that says "if I do this, then this." For example, it might go, "if I get to school on time to pick up my kids, I'm a good parent." Or "If I read my Bible every day, I'm a good Christian." How about this one "If I exercise every day, I am healthy." Um, hello....why do we do this to ourselves?
I have to be honest....I have fallen WAY back into the performance trap since being home. See, I grew up here. I performed - I wore masks, was involved in everything and was not real. Not out of wanting to be mean or cruel, but I think for protection. Same thing happened in college - super over achiever, involved in everything on campus. Um, hello, BURNOUT! Those things do not identify who I am, nor did they then. All of the striving I was doing was in total vain. To be 100% honest, I'm not sure what I was striving for/seeking/looking for, but I can tell you I didn't find it. It's like the lie that when you get that new car, you will be happy. Sure, you are for a while. Then, someone hits you, or it isn't a new car anymore and you're onto the next thing. Anyone know what I'm talking about or am I the only one who has lived this?
Funny thing is being home I find myself in more "panic mode" of "do more," "be more," The perfectionistic tendencies are rearing their ugly heads too. I find myself being more critical and feeling like things aren't enough - house isn't clean enough, kids aren't well behaved enough, etc.
As I have thought about this, I realize this is the first time I have really lived at home since I was in college. When I was in Chicago, WI, IL, SD, I was away. I liked it. I didn't feel this pressure/panic/performance issue I feel now. Is it because I'm here and that is all I know from here? Whatever it is, it is time to find a new "way" here. I am not willing to live this way for myself or my family. It isn't worth it. If you have been in this cycle before, how did you break it? I'd love your insight, friends.
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