Old, New, Broken, Whole?

Old.
                            New.
            Broken.
                                              Whole.

What do those words have in common?  They are very much my life.  Right at this present moment. Let me explain.

My very dear, dear friend from South Dakota came to visit this past week.  It was awesome having her here.  One of the many fun things we did while she was here was show her where I grew up.  My history.  My lineage. The "old" me, if you will.  Who I was as a kid. Where I lived, grew up, etc.

The unfortunate thing about my story is that part of my lineage is missing.  My dad died when I was 2. {Yes, you might be surprised by this.  I don't really talk about it much and I don't have a tattoo on my head saying "my dad died when I was 2."}  Because I was so young when he died, I didn't have the chance to know him.  I knew ABOUT him.  I heard about him, but I didn't KNOW him.  There is a difference, isn't there?  See, all my life I had this IDEA about who my dad was, based on what people told me.  Based on their perception, their view, which is based on a small bit of what they knew of him.  I have never had a WHOLE complete picture of who my dad was because of this.  Yet, because I was a child, I accepted this as my reality, my worldview.  So, here is Old Melissa.

Melissa moves away, goes to Chicago, Madison, Champaign, Sioux Falls & back to....West Lafayette.  Old Melissa collides with New Melissa.  This has been my reality since we moved back here in October.  See, I know this area as the old Melissa.  The child, Melissa.  I was a kid here and a Purdue student here.  I wasn't a wife here, or a mom here, so New Melissa encounters the stomping ground of Old Melissa.  A disconnect is created.  I have a word picture that might be helpful to share what it is like. 

Those of you from around here are familiar with State Road 25.  This is the main road from Delphi, where I grew up, that leads to Lafayette, where Purdue is, the mall, various other things. When I was here, there was 1 main way from Delphi to Lafayette.....State Road 25 was it.  However, since I have left, a new road has been built.  I believe it is called the Hoosier Heartland?  It is the NEW way from Delphi to Lafayette, as opposed to State Road 25 that I know.  Yesterday, I was at the crossroads of State Road 25 & the Hoosier Heartland.  I wanted to take the Old State Road 25. Why?  Because I know it, it is familiar.  It is safe, I know where I end up when I take it.  I didn't want to take the new road.  Why?  Because it was new, unknown, unfamiliar, yet that was the way my GPS was taking me.  As I hesitated there at the crossroad, it hit me!  This is the picture of my life.  I am New Melissa, back in Old Melissa's turf.  I can go the old way or I can take the new way.  I took the new way yesterday and hope I will continue to do so while I am here. I seriously feel like I'm having two cultures clash.  Old vs. new.

Now, let's talk about the broken and whole part, ok?  {It's my blog and you are reading, so sorry, you don't have a choice!}  When I was living here, I was very broken.  I didn't know it, but I was.  It doesn't matter why now, but there are a lot of factors that caused this. Part of the beautiful thing of being away is I have gotten healed of a lot of the things that wounded me.  But, there is more healing to take place still.  Part of that includes learning who my dad was, what he was like, what qualities of his I have.  It is easy?  HECK TO THE NO.  Is it fun?  What do you think?  But, I had a friend say something really profound to me as I shared some of this with her.  She said  "I'm proud of you for pushing through the pain to get healing."  My first thought was I'm not pushing through the pain to get healing.  I honestly thought "I have laid in fetal position long enough, letting this eat me," that now it's time to do something about it.  So, I guess in a way, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  It's time to find out who I am, all of me.  Not just part of me, the living parts, but also the parts that are deceased. Those parts are good, too, even though they aren't living.  That is what I need to find out.

So, being back home is very much about me being OLD.  NEW.  BROKEN.  MADE WHOLE.  Talk about opposite worlds, eh?  I appreciate your prayers on this leg of my journey, friends.  Thank you!