Yes, I have PTSD. As much as I prefer to say I HAD, the reality is I still have it and sometimes it is apparent. Other times, it is not. I do believe God has done a mighty healing in me with the PTSD and I have learned to manage it well with nutrition and exercise, however, I do still get "triggered." This reality hit home this week through some various situations that surfaced.
My kids got out of school for the summer this week. It's been a rough week, My husband is just getting over bronchitis and our daughter seems to have caught some of it from him. She doesn't have bronchitis, but she has this nasty cough that's been around for a few weeks. Our oils, natural remedies and medicines haven't helped much. So, that's frustrating. There has also been a lot of sugar involved with it being the end of the school year {don't even get me started on that...that is ANOTHER blog post, friends!} Monday, it all kind of hit the fan after I picked the kids up at school. Our daughter also has food allergies, and I believe the combo of being tired, sick and having something we shouldn't have food wise led to the rough evening we had. Behavior was out of control, she was irrational, it wasn't a pretty evening at our home.
The next night, it was our son's turn to throw a 45 minute fit. That was fun too! Oh, and I forgot my husband had been gone all weekend, so add that to the mix as well! Good times here....So, husband being gone all weekend, sick child, lack of sleep, 2 45-60 minute tantrums back to back, all the week of school getting out.......nice, huh?
I posted that Tuesday night on facebook something about dreading summer. Because at the time I was. Routines are important to me, as are schedules, I also need margin, time to myself, quiet and some time when people don't need something from me. See, all of that changes with summer. I love my kids dearly and of course would do anything for them, but the reality is I have PTSD. And, it sometimes rears it's ugly head when I am triggered. What are my triggers? Well, unfortunately, sometimes, my children. See, conflict is one {they tend to fight more after extended amounts of time together...hello, summer!}, lack of margin is another {hello, summertime! Granted, there are camps, etc., but it's not the same as the school schedule}, noise is another one {the house is much noisier when they are home vs when they are at school, usually it's yelling...see trigger #1.} So, as you can tell, summer is more challenging for me. And, I just realized why this week.
After my post on Tuesday night, another friend posted something about it being a pet peeve that people post dreading summer with their kids. As friends continued to comment on it, someone said "how unloved those kids must feel." This brought up a lot of emotions in me. I was angry, hurt, upset, but most of all I felt misunderstood. It also made me feel like a bad mom, because most moms do enjoy their kids being home {I do too, don't get me wrong, but I am also more triggered then as well.} After praying about responding or not, I decided to let it go. The reality is it's not a black or white situation. There are lots of factors in everyone's situation, I think. Personality being one {of moms and kids both}, what activities are planned for the summer, what the routine looks like, if the mom feels called to be home or to work, see, there are so many factors to consider including several I didn't write that it's not so clear. Do my kids know I love them? You betcha they do. Am I a bad mom because I struggle in the summer and it's hard for me? I don't think so, I think it makes me human. Personally, I am thankful God showed me this so I can make progress in these areas. After all, knowledge is the first step, right? Now that I'm aware of my triggers, I can hopefully manage or diffuse the situation.
The other emotion I felt from that post was injustice. It's not my fault I have PTSD. It's no one's fault they have PTSD. In fact, I felt God saying that to my spirit all day on Tuesday, "it's not your fault." Even if it was my fault, or I thought it was, God came to set me free from shame/guilt/condemnation, whatever it is. He did the same for you too.
So, friends, anyone else struggle with summer? Let's hear some tips of what works well for you and your kiddos in the summer. Would love to get some fresh ideas! Thanks!
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