With Mother's Day being tomorrow, this blog seems appropriate. Mother's Day hasn't been a stellar holiday for me in previous years. Part of that is due to my expectations quite frankly, being unrealistic, and the other part of that has to do with me and where I have been. Let me explain. The pictures taken below are from Mothers Day 2012, when we were living in Illinois. Lauren was 4 at the time {just turned 4 the month prior} and Landon was 1, going on 2 in July. And, I was the captain of the Hot Mess Express then! While many parts of those early years of my kids lives are a blur, due to my mental state, I do remember this day. I also remember that the outfit I was wearing was something I bought myself on my weekend away. Yup, I was having such a hard time adjusting to motherhood, my children, life, etc. that my wonderful husband let me go away {locally} for a weekend to take some time for me. It was a gift, to be honest! I remember staying in a hotel by myself, eating meals by myself, where I wanted, having coffee, journaling, praying and shopping. However, looking back now, it grieves my heart. It makes me sad that due to where I was emotionally and mentally that I needed to take that break, that I needed that time. Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with taking time for yourself at all. In fact, I'm a huge proponent of it! However, in my case, it was because I was about to break. {Looking back, I believe this is right before I was diagnosed with PTSD.} That Mothers Day, I remember wondering why I was so sad when I had so much...a great husband, beautiful, healthy children, a great church, wonderful friends, a nice home and life was really good {or should have been!}
As I look back on these pics from 4 years ago, I am so thankful to not be that woman anymore! Granted, I am still that woman, but because I have changed so much, I don't feel like her....does that make sense? Guys, this is so embarrassing to admit, but I was in such a low place that my thoughts were not good. I was an angry mama filled with much rage, anger and not loving life. My heart wasn't thankful and it was not a good spot, but it was dark and full of darkness. To be honest, I didn't like being a mom. I loved my kids and thought they were great, I just didn't think I should be the one responsible for them. Those days were dark, filled with anger, rage, self hatred and I spent a lot of time crying and miserable. {It sounds like I was depressed, doesn't it? Realizing that as I write now....} See, the smile is there and it looks like all is well, but inside, my heart, my mind, my emotions were not in a good place. Was I still attending church then? Absolutely! Going to a small group? Very consistently. Reading my Bible? Daily! Praying? Daily! So, what was going on? How could I as a Christian, who was doing all the right things, have all this inner turmoil going on?
Well, I have some thoughts :) One is my wounds were not healed. I had been to counseling, yes. For years! But my wounds still weren't healed. I had to let Jesus come in and clean me up. That meant I had to admit what was going on and what was wrong. It meant having to deal with things in the past that weren't pretty and that I didn't know how to process, handle, sort out, etc. It meant having to WORK to get better. It meant having to show up and do things I didn't WANT to or FEEL like doing. It meant doing what my counselor told me, even if I thought it was dumb. {This was in Illinois, prior to our move to South Dakota.}
As we were moving, Lauren had some health things going on - turns out it was sensory processing disorder and food allergies to wheat and dairy. So, in the midst of me having PTSD and meeting with a holistic doc and getting a boatload of supplements {due to PTSD, but also being pre-diabetic and lacking in vitamins and minerals}, we needed to change our families diet due to the allergies. So, lots of changes going on here, but it was all good!
After we got to South Dakota, we got plugged into a great church and God connected us with an awesome mentor couple. Again, we had work to do in our healing...we had to meet with them, go through a workbook and DVD series; it wasn't just meeting for lunch and/or coffee to talk about the weather. It was deep, we talked about past wounds, generational curses, word curses, etc. It was work and it was a process! But, through that process God began to heal our hurts and give us more freedom! It was {and still is} awesome!
Sometime after that, I started to change my nutrition. I had cut out wheat and dairy, yes {turns out I am intolerant too!} I also started the 21 Day Fix, and learned how to eat clean, how much to eat of what types of foods and how to exercise effectively. Shakeology was also a part of my routine. For the first time in a long time {maybe ever!}, my body actually got the vitamins, minerals and nutrients it needed! It was an amazing feeling.....my energy was amazing, my mind was clear, and I was at peace. My body was nourished and no longer getting all the chemicals, additives and junk that is added to our "food" these days. For the first time in my life, the anxiety was gone, the anger was gone, I was a new person!
So, if you ask why I'm so passionate about clean eating and our bodies getting what they need, this is why. God showed me the other day I'm passionate about things/experiences that have transformed me ~ the Greek System {I became a Christian through DG}, Purdue {again, where I got saved}, Healing Prayer {where God set me free from SO many things!} and health/wellness. I sincerely believe that Jesus + the 21 Day Fix have brought me so much freedom!
So, as we head into another Mothers Day, my heart is at peace knowing I'm not the same mama I was in 2012. I remember her and hurt for her, but am thankful to not be her anymore. Happy Mothers Day to all the mamas out there! Enjoy your day and be blessed!
Because of Him,
Melissa
Because of Him,
Melissa
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