Let me rewind a bit for you, so we have the whole picture here. For the past few weeks, I have been in a funk. Not sure why until now. Perhaps it was the reset, I've thought? Or summer? Or no margin for me, which I DESPERATELY need? What is it that has had me in a funk? I've been unable to put my finger on it until now. It's been to the point where I have been looking for part time jobs. That's usually my first key that something is "off." See, it's easy for me to justify working ~ it would be good to work part time, be out of the house, have a "place of my own," have boundaries from home/separation, something to DO. Yes, I'm a coach and I love coaching and believe it's been a great fit for me for the time being, but like I said I couldn't quite put my finger on what was up. As I've looked for jobs, they have been too confining ~ full time, no thanks, I don't want or need to work full time currently. Part time ~ there are very FEW part time jobs that 1. are flexible {think hours of 8-12; 1-5.....I have children to drop off and pick up at school people!} 2. that are a good fit for my skills, abilities and passions. Which leads me to the realization that my theory of working part time doesn't match my current reality. Then, I feel stuck. Ugh. Melissa doesn't like to be stuck. If you know me well, you know that is true.
A few weeks ago, I started to read a phenomenal book by Lara Casey about fear. It's called "Make It Happen: Surrender Your Fear, Take the Leap, Live On Purpose." Highly recommend it! One of the exercises in the book makes you list your fears. One of the ones I listed is "fear of missing my life." To be honest, I don't know where that came from, but I wrote it down and didn't really think much of it.
Fast forward to yesterday, I came home from teaching Cize Live and started to work on my facebook like page. As I was working on it, I could feel the irritation rising, but didn't know the root of it. The irritation continued throughout the day and Chad and I had a nice long talk last night about where I'm at, what I'm doing, what I feel God is calling me to, etc. To be honest, I don't know....there are a lot of question marks right now so I'm pressing into Him and asking Him to show me His plans for me and my life.
I think part of it too, is come fall, I will have 2 kiddos in school full time, which will be a first for me in 8 years. I think that's an underlying part of all this.....There is a goal I've wanted to hit for sometime now that hasn't happened that has me frustrated, I think I am learning I care more than most people do about themselves, which is frustrating because you can't make people care. So, there are all these tiny little irritations adding up, it seems. And, of course, that fear of missing my life........
So, now that we have the backstory covered, this morning as I was making muffins, I heard God say "you are afraid of missing your life, and your fear of missing your life is making you miss your life," or something to that effect. WHOA. See, I'm striving so hard and working so hard on all these goals and things that I can't control, and they are kinda making me miss my life. In my spirit, I know I need to have better boundaries and be more focused during work time. I need to be INTENTIONAL. A plan needs to be in place for me to follow and get the "a priorities" done so that when the kids are awake/active/home/ready, I'm all in. I want to be fully present and engaged with my family, but haven't been. And, that is my own fault. I've been too worried about missing something online and in someone else's life, that it's taken away from my own. Ouch. These are hard words to type.
So, now that the realization/awareness is there, what do I do with it? That's really what matters and makes the difference, right? Is that the action is taken in the direction we want to go. Since accountability is key with anything we want to achieve, I'm writing out the following and asking you, my friends, to please hold me accountable for these things:
* I am committing to not spend as much time on social media/my computer each day.
* I am committing to set office hours and work in those pockets of time. They will be morning before the kids are awake, a check at lunch/afternoon time, and after they are in bed. If you message me, please know I will reply in 24 hours.
* I am committing to not be a "johnny on the spot" reply type of person anymore!
* I am committing to being more present for my family and friends in person than I am online.
Anyone else struggle with this, or is it just me? Thanks for helping me with this, friends! We need each other in this life, don't we?
In closing, this quote from Mother Teresa has been showing up a few times and it's resonating with me. This:
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